by Roxanne Geti
Honorable Mention – Flash 405, June 2017: “Nemesis”
Tip #1: Get Good Quickly
You represent all women, so don’t fuck up.
Recreational ice hockey is technically coed, so no one can stop you from playing. However, men don’t like to play with women, because women are frail and suck at sports. Therefore, learn to play well, and quickly. Prove your worth, because it’s not assumed. Study NHL players. Get a hot coach. Stop studying your hot coach. Work twice as hard for half the respect. Get the hockey men to love you, because you never made your father proud.
Tip #2: Don’t Try to Impress the Really Good Hockey Guy
He thinks you’re annoying.
There’s always one Really Good Hockey Guy. Every guy wants his respect, and every girl wants in his pants. He knows you do too, so stop it; you’re embarrassing me. Stop trying to be clever whenever he barely acknowledges you. However, that time you had to sign the rink liability waiver, and he said, “It just says that the rink don’t care if you die,” and you responded with, “That’s ok. I don’t care if I die either,” and he laughed really hard? That was good. He’s never heard a chick talk like that. It turned him on.
Tip #3: Be One of the Guys
Don’t be a pussy.
A pussy is the worst thing you can be in hockey and in life. No crying. No whining. No smiling. Don’t speak unless spoken to. If you want best buddies and equality, play chick hockey. But you need men to define your worth, so follow their rules. Play well and they will acknowledge you, but only briefly—emotion is weakness. Suck and you will get blanked—sucking is weakness. You’ll take it personally, because you’re a pussy. Don’t blame your parents. They had no self-esteem either.
Tip #4: The Goal is Not the Goal
The goal is not to fill a 4 by 6 foot net. It’s to fill you, the bottomless pit.
Focus on the long game, which is to show men that you’re better than a woman. Let them come to you, like feral cats. Eventually they’ll accept you as one of their own. Then the Really Good Hockey Guy will fall in love with you because, “You’re the toughest chick I’ve ever met,” and you’ll feel like a dragon slayer. But you’re married. He doesn’t care. Forget him and pretend to be happy.
Tip #5: Take Up Bowling
I love how many twists Geti managed to throw into 400 words. A sarcastic Cosmo article gone wrong, this brutal examination of the need for masculine approval was a fun read.
Roxanne Geti is a resurrected writer trying to make sense of the nonsensical while hopefully bringing you comfort and familiarity.