Poetry
Gray Davidson Carroll is a white, nonbinary writer, public health researcher, cold water plunger, and (self-proclaimed) hot chocolate alchemist hailing from Houston by way of western Massachusetts. A Best of the Net and Best New Poets nominee, they are the author of the poetry chapbook Waterfall of Thanks (Bottlecap Press, 2023), and their work has further appeared or is forthcoming in Rattle, The Common, ONLY POEMS, The Offing, and elsewhere.
Back to Vol. XI: “PARA/SOCIAL”
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Ars Poetica
Accessible Version
Because not all boys grow up to be men. Because desire’s a fickle thing
but the taste it leaves can last a lifetime. Because I can call a man who
terrifies me, tell him I love him and mean it. Because I’ve never been
able to write a poem without inserting my father. Because we say “you
hate me” to each other more than “I love you.” Because not
everything we say is what we mean. Because I’ve still got so much I
don’t understand and this will always be true. Because for the first
time in my life, I don’t feel unclean asking my lover to touch me.
Because in Old English, “be” acts as an intensifier so that the word
because literally means to believe toward something, or put
differently, means embracing what the body knows to be true: the
most beautiful part is never the climax, it’s the arrival. Someone called
me when I needed it most. I am still here. And I am trying to hold you
better.